New vocabulary for an Overmedicated Nation ;)
Learning to speak Prozac
Medheads are brain-fogged from too many prescription drugs. Black Boxers take deadly medications without thought of future consequences. Drug Madvertisers tell consumers what prescription drugs to ask their doctors for. News Repeaters mumble the lies they are given rather than report news. Fictitious Diseases are created to create markets for pharmaceuticals. Diseasification renames common annoyances as diseases, so that drugs can be sold to treat them. Spontaneous Mass Diagnosis suddenly diagnoses millions of people as ill via diseasification. The Wall is where medheads and black boxers go to buy dangerous drugs to treat their fictitious diseases after they've been spontaneously mass diagnosed.
Medheads - People who take multiple prescription drugs on a daily
basis and, as a result, suffer from brain fog. They can be young (ADHD,
depression drugs), middle-aged (cholesterol drugs, diabetes drugs) or
elderly (Alzheimer's drugs, osteoporosis drugs, etc.). These are the
people you see on the road who drive for ten miles with their turn
signal on, who swing wide into the left lane before making a right
turn, and who take four full seconds to accelerate after the traffic
light turns green. Medheads. Not to be confused with Deadheads (who
are actually a lot more fun to talk to).
Black boxer - A consumer who takes drugs that are so dangerous, the
FDA requires the drug packaging to carry a large black box warning
about severe harm or death. Black boxers usually don't care about the
long-term harm to their health, they just want the pain (or other
symptom) to go away so they can get back to watching prime-time
television in relative comfort.
Drug madvertising - The practice of allowing drug companies to
advertise patented chemicals directly to consumers in order to create
demand for drugs that everyday people frankly do not understand. Every
country in the world bans the practice of Direct-To-Consumer (DTC)
drug advertising... except the United States, of course, where
consumers are subjected to a never-ending barrage of ridiculous drug
ads showing happy, healthy people popping purple pills they would
never consume in real life. Of all industrialized nations in the world,
only the U.S. (with the ever-caring support of the Food and Drug
Administration) endorses drug madvertising.
News repeater - Not be confused with a news reporter, a news repeater
is a person who gets paid to pretend to be a member of the press, but
who actually just regurgitates whatever health / medical news the drug
companies and the FDA are peddling this week. New miracle breast
cancer drug discovered! Vitamin E may kill you! Sunlight is deadly!
Don't trust Canadians (or their pharmacists)! Deadly, dangerous
Chinese herbs may have possibly killed someone somewhere! Drug
companies need billions of dollars in drug profits to find the cure
for cancer! Evidence-based medicine is credible! These are the type of
headlines constructed by news repeaters.
Fictitious disease - A fabricated disease invented for the sole
purpose of creating a new market for patented drugs. ADHD is the prime
example of a fictitious disease, and the psychiatric community is now
well-practiced at labeling human behaviors "brain chemistry imbalances
that need to be treated with chemicals." Other fictitious diseases
include high cholesterol (it's not a disease, it's just a symptom),
hypertension (also not a disease, but rather a symptom), and even
osteoporosis (not a disease, just fragile bones caused by dietary and
lifestyle habits that can be easily reversed).
Diseasification - The process of spreading the fictitious diseases
through the population. This is how drug companies get rich: by
manufacturing disease and convincing people they now suddenly suffer
from it. See "Spontaneous Mass Diagnosis," below. Diseasification is
greatly aided by drug madvertising (mass propaganda) designed to
change the way people think about health and disease. Fear of public
speaking used to merely be a fear. Now it's a disease, and there's a
drug to treat it. Menopause used to be menopause. Now it's a disease,
too. The former head of Merck, a man named Gadsden, once said he
wished to expand the drug market to healthy people, so he wouldn't be
limited to selling drugs only to sick people. He wanted people to take
drugs like they chew gum. What a visionary! (See Selling Sickness to
Spontaneous mass diagnosis - The process of redefining health in
order to instantly label as many consumers as possible with a
fictitious disease. Spontaneous mass diagnosis works by moving the
goalposts that define a disease state. A "normal" level of LDL
cholesterol used to be 130. Last year, a panel of corrupt medical
decision makers with under-the-table financial ties to drug companies
spontaneously decided that "normal" LDL cholesterol should be 100.
Overnight, ten million more Americans were suddenly afflicted with the
fictitious disease of high cholesterol. And the treatment for this
spontaneous disease? Statin drugs, of course. The aim of Big Pharma is
to make sure everyone fits the definition of at least one disease,
because the prescription drug lords know that once a person gets on
one prescription drug, the inevitable side effects will create other
health problems that need to be treated with even more drugs. Instant
recurring revenue! Now that's a clever marketing plan!
The Wall - Short for Walgreens, one of the top street corner
pharmacies in America. The Wall is where medheads and black boxers go
to buy dangerous drugs to treat their fictitious diseases because
they've been subjected to spontaneous mass diagnosis.
SOURCE: Permission is granted to repost, reprint or reproduce this satire
article in its entirety as long as no changes are made and credit is
given to the Health Ranger.